Daily Exersize

Hi guys, sorry I haven't been posting as much. I find that since I am not weighing myself every day like before its hard for me to find something to write about lol. But anyway, I've been trying to 'exersize' every day. About 30 mins of walking is my goal. A while back I got a treadmill for free off of craigslist and I've been using that but unfortunately it's kind of crappy and the belt that you walk on moves to the right and is starting to shred. Plus it's super loud and just ew lol. So this week I've starting walking in the real world! Haha. When I take the kids to school I park about 20 mins (walking) away from the dog park and walk down and let Jack play then walk back. It gets a nice 40 min walk in plus the play at the park. Since the weather is still nice I'll keep doing it. When the weather starts getting yucky I might have to look into getting a new treadmill. It's the little things, instead of sitting while eating my yogurt I walked around the house. Trying to stay on my feet as much as I can. I still relax but not all day like I used to. Well off to school we go! Then to the walk! I'll post a photo of my pup playing later :) bye!

Back on Track!

So since last Tuesday I have been counting calories again and walking on my treadmill. This time my husband has joined me! He has gained about 35 pounds in a relatively short amount of time and he finally noticed it. Well anyway, I used to weigh myself every morning but I found I would be disappointed very often and decided to weigh myself once per week. I know Tuesday to Monday isn't a week but I only started Tuesday. But anyway, I've lost 5.2 pounds! I am ecstatic! Oh by the way I had gained back up to 285 so not all the way to 300 but close. I'm now at 278.9 and I am thrilled! I will keep going strong!

What Does A Fat Girl Wear?

Well lately and over the summer I learned how to make these stretchy dresses that are comfy and semi flattering. I would add circle skirts (that I made) to shirts that matched. They just pulled over and I was good to go. However lately I've become tired of them but now that summer is over and pants would be required I am not wanting to go through the gruesome, emotionally draining task of shopping for pants. On top of the pants thing I only own tank tops at this moment that fit so I am going to stick to the dresses until I have lost at least the weight that I gained back. I'll post a photo of one of the dresses here. 

(I cinched it in the back for the photo so it looked more fitted. It's much wider.)

Trying To Get Back On Track

When my husband gets home I am going to see if we are able to grab some new batteries for the scale. First thing this morning after dropping my step daughter off at school I walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I almost gave up at 20 minutes but I made myself keep going. I am going to take new measurements today and compare to my old ones and mark them in a book for a new starting point. I am praying to the gods that I didn't gain it ALL back. Wish me luck on my second leg of this journey.

Completely Broken

Ups and downs are a known setback for dieting. However I did not expect to come crashing down this bad after so much success. I've failed on a catastrophic level guys and my depression regarding the whole ordeal has prevented me from picking myself back up. I think about it every day but I can't seem to bring myself to actually kick my butt into gear. I'm pretty sure I gained it all back. My downward spiral started when the batteries in my scale died. I no longer could track my weight and being who I am I constantly forget to get new batteries. Because of this I slipped, thinking that because I couldn't see it on the scale that I wasn't doing any damage. Then old habits just gripped me tight again and I completely gave up. I've been putting off getting new batteries for the scale because I am terrified of what it will say.
I've gotten back to the point where just existing is uncomfortable. Moving is hard and all I want to do is sit at the tv or computer and do nothing. My heart aches for the lost progress and what could have been. I could have been so far but I'm back in a size 3x terrified to shop for an even bigger coat as winter approaches. I could use some support so if anyone is still out there please reach out to me. I need help.

(Late) Wishful Wednesday

Ok it's a little late I know but here it is! I love this dress! I might make it a little longer but even if no it's super cute!

Ms.Jess

Sorry Guys!

EI know I've missed a few days but I've been so busy! Today is my birthday woo hoo! (Not). I don't have any plans for today except taking my new dog out and about (yes we got a new dog *squee!!)

Anyway I'll post a photo of him in a minute. He is an Alaskan Malamute and he weighs 110 pounds. He is beautiful, friendly and just so wonderful. Completely opposite of our last dog, who thankfully has a better home where they are equipped to deal with broken animals. Anyway, his name is Jack and here he is. 

He's so beautiful! And big! Haha. He woke me up this morning by laying on me! Ugh he was heavy but I loved it! Ok gonna go find a photo for my late wishful Wednesday!

Ms.Jess

I Messed Up

I really messed up guys. I just kept eating. I feel like crap I don't know what to do except kick it into high gear tomorrow and work out all day. I am praying to the gods I didn't gain any weight. I can't afford a set back. I just can't. I think I got discouraged because my before and after pictures looked the same to me and that made me sad. I'm so upset that I lost my originals! I know I keep saying that but I'm still really upset about it. Just ugh. Good night. 

Ms.Jess

Before and Afters

Ok, so I would have had these for you last night but I was so tired! Ok so I am kind of dissapoibted because I don't see much of any difference. I am still upset that I lost my original photos at 300 pounds because I'm sure those would have been so much different. But I have to work with what I have. There is a only a 13 pound difference versus 50 if I still had my old photos so it is kind of disappointing. But anyway without further ado here they are. 

Ms.Jess

I Did It!!

I did it everyone! I lost 50 pounds! I was 249.4 this morning! I am so proud of myself. I am hoping to take some 'after' photos tomorrow as well as retake my measurements 😊 I am beyond thrilled right now. I still don't notice too much of a change yet but I'm sure it's about to go down! Pretty soon I'm hoping to HAVE to buy new clothes 😜 anyway, it's super late and I'm tired, Easter is tomorrow and I have three extra guests in my tiny house until Tuesday. Got to catch some Zzz's. Goodnight!

Ms.Jess

Goodnight!

Just wanted to say real quick I updated that photo! Ok good night!

Ms.Jess

Wishful Wednesday!

Only an hour and a half late! Haha. Ok well I've been super busy between locking myself in my closet due to a murder happening 5 blocks from my house to falling off the wagon hard and kids being on spring break. I just now have the time (or more honestly, I just remembered hehe) I struggled hard for a few days there, I ate over my calories and didn't exercise. Fortunately it was only three days and I kicked my butt into gear and didn't do too much damage. My last weigh in had me .3 below where I was before my binge of sorts. I've gone back up as of today but I think it's because (if any men are reading this sorry!) I'm 'on my period' I say it with those quotes because I don't actually bleed...sorry I know so gross...but I spot and get crampy and bloated like the rest of us. I'm hoping that's all it is as today (yesterday now) was April 1st and was the day I was supposed to hit 250Lbs. I'm kicking myself in the ass right now because I would have had it had I not messed it all up. Oh well we can't all be perfect, I have to be realistic and know I'm going to have bad days or even a few in a row but I can't let them define me. 

Here soon I want to post my before photo with my after (after I get to 250). I actually lost my original before photo where I was 298-300 pounds and had to take a new one after I'd lost like 40 pounds 😔. I was very sad because I really wanted to compare them! I'm hoping it pops up on the computer somewhere some day but I searched for about 5 hours on the day I realized it was gone. But anyway...my wishful Wednesday outfit is actually just a dress, and it's a dress I own! I've started buying clothes that I want to wear...ok well sort of. I'd gone to value village to find a sweatshirt and was perusing through the dress section and found two adorable summer dresses. They are definitely not my size but I had to have them so I bought them. I paid maybe 20 bucks total and they seem brand new. One is actually a Vera Wang (no I'm no super into fashion I just know the name) and I paid $10.00!!!! Ten bucks for a Vers Wang! Score lol. But anyway. The actual dress that I'm posting today is one I found a few days ago at goodwill (see a pattern? Lol). I was about to check out when I saw a cute shirt hanging up in the section they advertise like higher fashion stuff. It looks more like a new store, with all nice clothes you'd want to wear instead of rows and rows of mumu's and faded tee shirts. I sifted through one rack of about 5 items when in the back I saw it. This dress. So cute. I knew I shouldn't but I had to. My mind was made up the second I saw it. That baby was coming with me. I'm sorry it's not a great picture. I took it this evening when everyone was asleep so I couldn't get a solid white background. Well anyway. The dress!

Ugh it looks even worse on here. Maybe I'll take a new one tomorrow and edit it in...oh wait. I mean later today haha! Anyway. I paid 15 bucks and I swear the thing is brand new. The black spots are a mesh and the back is open except for the zipper. It's kind of like a spandex material and just makes my heart melt! I know, I know. Wtf Jess haha. But anyway. It's a size medium and I know it's going to be many, many, many, many moons before I can don this dress but I will! That I can promise you I will wear this dress! (And then I'll post a photo for you guys lol)

Ok guys. I've got to actually get some sleep. 

Ms.Jess

...No Excuses...

I've failed. I fell off the wagon the last three days. I went over my calorie limit and gained about a pound. Whether it's water or fat I don't know, I didn't drink enough water or workout as well as go over my calories. I worked out today but still went over my calories. I'm scrambling hard to get back onto the wagon and am about halfway there. Hoping for some good weather this week and get back into biking. Ok well I'm off to bed!

Ms.Jess

That Dissapointing Moment When....

...You work so damn hard just to take a step back. I've been working so freaking hard only to have gained a pound. I have stayed within my calorie budget and don't a rigorous workout every day. I know that muscle weighs more then fat but my scale can measure how much is fat and even that number went up today. This has put me in the WORST mood. I just want to hide away from the world. No one even talk to me today. I've got 6 days to loose now 5 pounds instead of just 3.8...I am pissed off and just want to cut this fat off my body right now!

Ms.Jess

Frozen Yogurt

I know, I know. I'm a bad blogger. I never came back! But things got really busy and I'm finally able to sit down and write something. So, this frozen yogurt recipie I told you about. Yeah, so it's super simple. Go to your friendly neighborhood grocery store and grab a 32oz container of yogurt, any kind you want. Take it home and pour it into a bigger bowl (all of it). Now here is the tricky part, you need to stir in 1 full cup of sugar. Got it? Ok. Now put it back into the original container and stick it in the freezer. And TaDa! You've got frozen yogurt (in a few hours of course) be careful though because this should be approached like a treat rather then something to just snack on. Make sure you measure your servings as it is super easy to overindulge. 

Ms.Jess

Early Morning Post

It's 7:30am in my neck of the woods and I just thought I'd post something before I woke the little kids up. I am now down 45.3 pounds and it's looking like I could hit my goal plus some (if things keep going good like this) I tried on my winter coat from last year and it is now really loose on me. In the beginning of winter it didn't fit me at all, then around Christmas it fit but was tight. Just last week it fit a little better but was tight in the arms and yesterday I tried it on and it was really loose in my stomach and I had a little wiggle room in my arms. I am very happy. My shirts continue to get looser and looser but I don't really want to buy new clothes until I have to. Also I think my boobs are shrinking finally as my bra is getting kind of too big. But anyway. That's all for now. I will probably post something else later. I have an awesome frozen yogurt recipie to share with you.

Ms.Jess

Feeling Like a Million Bucks!

I did it guys! I almost fell off the wagon but I held on! (Kind of like this guy!)

I didn't though! I was really hungry at dinner time and my husband brought up the fact that he didn't want the leftover lasagna and asked me what I wanted and I said "nothing good" and he mentioned jack in the box curly fries (as if said yesterday that I was craving them) I then almost said screw it and had a cheat day. I even went as far as looking up the calories in Burger King fries and burger. I looked at the calories and was about to get my shoes on and go when I just sat back down. Looked at my husband, and said no. I've come too far to chance a relapse now. I'm feeling AMAZING and I KNOW if I'd gone to eat fast food I would have felt awful, disgusting and worthless. My husband then suggested going to a teriyaki joint and thankfully I didn't feel like teriyaki so it was easy to say no. Instead I had some tuna with saltines and a Luna bar. Later I had some of my homemade frozen yogurt. I was 3 calories over but since my calorie line is so low anyway I'm ok with it. All I really want to say is that I am super proud of myself and if the scale isn't lying I've lost weight throughout the course of the day ;) I'm on a roll again and am going to push, push, push! So I hit my 10 pounds a month goal by April!

I have about 5 pounds more to loose by the 1st and I'm nervous but I HAVE to make it. I HAVE to! Ok all I'm off to bed!

Ms.Jess

Favorite Workouts

As you know I've been doing a lot of biking which I still really enjoy but I began to worry that biking alone wasn't enough. I want to make sure I am building muscle in my entire body and even though articles I've read online state that Biking is an all body workout, I never felt it anywhere but my legs (which are getting muscly by the way hehe) 3 days ago I went on YouTube and found 2 workouts that I love. I've been doing them every day and I figured that once the weather gets a little nicer I'll hit the streets again (it's been raining a ton here) I will put the links in here so you can try them out yourselves. The first one is a 30 minute full body cardio workout. It is pretty strenuous and I do not do everything exactly right but I give it my all and am sweating bullets at the end. The second is an upper body workout. I want to try to get rid of my flappy arms and tone them up a little as I loose the fat. Ok here are the links.

30 Minute Full Body Cardio Workout

15 Minute Upper Body Burn


I encourage you to try these. These are both workouts you can do at home without any special equipment. The first one uses nothing but YOU! and the second uses hand weights (or as she says in her description cans of food or water bottles) Good luck!

Ms.Jess

Weight Loss Surgeries

This post will be my reasoning for NEVER wanting weight loss surgery. The thought of some sort of weight loss surgery has crossed my mind on more then one occasion (usually in my darkest times) and it's an appealing thought because it's the easy way out. You won't have to work quite as hard and you drop the weight crazy fast. Appealing thoughts when you're 100+++ pounds over weight. Why I am writing this post is because there is this woman on my Facebook who had weight loss surgery and has dropped a ton of weight which sometimes makes me jealous until I clear my head and think of what it would do for me. Don't get me wrong I am very happy for her and she has come a long way and looks great! It's working for her and it was a viable option for her which is great for her. Here is my list of why I wouldn't/ won't/couldn't let myself have weight loss surgery. Keep in mind this is not intended to bash ANYONE who has had weight loss surgery it is simply my opinion and why I wouldn't.

 

1.) What do you really learn?

I'm 22 almost 23 and I have spent about half of my life actively making myself fat. Not completely by choice but I also didn't do anything to stop or prevent it. Because of this I have adapted to a lifestyle, learned it if you will. I know that to have weight loss surgery you have to "fail" at a doctor monitored weight loss plan for like 6 months or something. But if you know that if you fail at loosing weight in those 6 months you'll just get surgery, what is your motivation? If I were to have not tried bettering my lifestyle and self and just gone straight to trying to get weight loss surgery I would NOT be learning how to be healthy!! Yes the surgery prohibits you from eating large amounts of food but only because you physically CAN'T! That teaches you a little bit of self control but not a whole lot if you just get sick every time you over eat as opposed to knowing when to stop and making a decision to stop eating, even if you know you could eat more. This woman on my facebook is always posting about junk food and of course I'm sure there is a lot more behind it then her just eating junk food but it is what gets me thinking. She posts about sugary calorie filled coffee drinks, chocolate, energy drinks and snack/junk food. Of course it could be that she (like a lot of us) still enjoys those things and posting "OMG those chocolate squares were so delish!" is a lot more interesting to her personally then posting something like "Ooohh broccoli...yum" I am not judging...but with the way that I am doing it I have to actually tell myself NO because that is the only way I will loose the weight and become healthy. I don't have that tummy sleeve that prevents me from eating more then 5 cheetoes. If I put one in my mouth the chances of a binge are higher then if I just say no.

 

2.) Extra Skin

This is huge one for me...I know that with how big I have gotten, the chances of me having extra skin are really high...especially on my stomach, upper arms and boobs. This is something that I will have to deal with. BUT, people who have weight loss surgery are guaranteed to have extra skin...and a lot of it...(I've seen the photos!) When you loose that much weight that fast your skin doesn't have a chance to shrink at all. You're going to be undoubtedly left with bat wings, saggy thigh skin and a tummy flap...oh and saggy flat boobs. That is another reason I couldn't have weight loss surgery. I know I'll probably have to dish out a good sum of money to get my skin tightened when I'm down to my goal weight but I'm banking on it not being nearly as much as it would be if I had a surgery. A lot of my motivation is appearance based, I wont lie...so I couldn't imagine loosing all that weight just to have to keep myself covered up constantly still. I wanna be cool in the summer dammit! haha..

 

3.) Malnutrition and Further Medical Issues

I've read more then a few articles on weight loss surgeries and all of them say that often people who undergo these surgeries have serious medical complications later down the road as well as they become severely malnourished because their body can not process certain foods anymore as well as the fact that their stomach can only hold half of an ounce! (if you don't know, that is crazy small). Because of this they may not eat properly and will loose muscle and become weak and malnourished.

 

Overall the answer (for me) is NOT in weight loss surgery. The risks are too high and I don't think it is a good long term option as the relapse rate for surgery patients is extremely high. I think that the best way to loose weight is through a complete lifestyle change. YES it will be hard, YES you'll want to give up (a lot) but when you start seeing and feeling results it will all become worth it. I have a lot of bad days and days like today all I want to do it eat. But I'm falling into a niche and things are starting to look up for me. I cant imagine doing this any other way, I have a really long road ahead of me and I know ill have days straight out of hell. But at least I'll know that I worked hard for this and that I taught myself how to change. I wish anyone who has had a bariatric surgery the absolute best of luck and the utmost of success!

 

Ms.Jess

Bad Week, I'm Loosing My Grip

I don't understand how I haven't lost weight this week. I've been under my caloric goal each day and I have been exercising every day as well. In fact I've GAINED weight for some god awful reason and I'm starting to move beyond upset and into very angry and pissed off. Now my chart says projected date of goal completion (10 pounds lost) is April 12th instead of March 24th-31st!!! I CANT go into April! I am on a tight schedule! I want to go swimming with my daughter this summer and actually be semi comfortable! If I don't loose the weight I can't 😖

I don't mean to be such a downer but I'm super depressed right now. I don't know what to do. 

Wishful Wednesday!

Ok guys so with summer right around the corner I am getting more and more anxious for the warm weather...and not a good anxious. I am dreading the hot weather and having to show my arms. I know there's still a ways until summer but with the weight barely creeping off me these days I'm starting to get more and more worried that I'll still be a huge fat blob for summer. I don't need to be skinny skinny for summer (that's not possible anyway) but I would like to be out of the 2x size so I can shop in the normal section and feel semi ok going out sleeveless. But anyway. Here is my wishful Wednesday photo. What I would wear in an ideal world. 

What a Downer!

I have been such a downer lately! I am sorry for being such a looser! Haha. Well, I am happy with my progress if you can't tell (which I'm sure you can't) but I am upset that I look the same. I do feel different, I have more energy and my legs are much stronger from my biking. I really want to get a gym membership but they are so expensive. I am looking into the  YMCA scholarships program. We are already going through so much financially right now. We were going to move with our tax return money but we had some serious car troubles. I took my car to a Jiffy Lube for an oil change and only a few hours later it started making a really awful thunk/tick (I hadn't driven it anywhere except home after the oil change). Well anyway the next day we took it to a shop for diagnostics and they determined that the car was overfilled with oil causing the engine to start to shred and long story short engine replacement was the only recommended repair. That would cost more then the car was worth so we had to buy a new car. That of course took up the rest of our tax return and we couldn't move and were left with no cushion money which sucks. Ok well I've got to go to bed. I'll post tomorrow. 

Ms.Jess

In a Funk

I really need to pull myself out of this funk. Summer is creeping up on me and even though I am right on track I am not seeing the changes and it's bothering me a lot and I'm not sure why. I am being lazy and I need to get the dishes done so I can go on a bike ride. Criminal Minds is sucking me in though and I'm stuck!! Lol ok I'll try to write later. 

Ms.Jess

Feeling Upset

So Friday I went to Value Village and found a pullover sweatshirt that actually semi fit (I've lost quite a bit of weight but not enough to have my clothing size change). Well the sweatshirt fit but not great, per usual, plus size clothing is plenty wide but not long enough at all...but it's yellow and not black and old with bleach spots like my old one. I am thinking about adding a bit of fabric to the bottom of it to make it longer. But anyway, I went back to Value Village today to try to find a zipup one also...well I realized that Friday put a false sense of something in my head. I thought that all the weight I lost had made a huge difference in my size, and I could find some more clothes today. Well I didn't...not at all. I left feeling broken down and depressed like I usually do after clothing shopping trips. I'm not sure where to go from here. And how I could have thought anything had really changed yet but I did. And when I looked into the disgusting full length mirror in the changing room I realized just how fat and gross I really do still look. I am discouraged. I really REALLY want to be about 200 pounds when summer hits. I don't think I will be but I want to be as close as possible. Well I've got to get to bed, I've had a super lazy weekend and I need to get my rest to kick it back into high gear tomorrow. 

Ms.Jess

Chocolate Cake

Let me first of all be clear. I am not a HUGE lover of deserts. I won't go out of my way for cake or ice cream and candy just hurts my teeth. Last night I was really craving some chocolate so I went to the store and got a big ol' piece of chocolate cake. And I have mixed feelings on this as I had already eaten at red robin for lunch (I portioned it into fourths though and controlled myself) well I ate 1/3 of the cake and then put it into the freezer lol. I expected to not loose any weight because well, fries and chocolate cake aren't really weight loss foods. Well I did loose weight. Just a little but still. Now I need to being myself down off my high horse and keep telling myself NO you can't eat cake all the time, just because you lost weight this time doesn't mean you will next time lol. I'm alright, conveniently I forgot my leftovers at the restaurant so I can't eat anymore chicken and fries haha. I'm hoping the cake in the freezer will discourage me from eating it since it will have to thaw. Plus I don't get in the freezer often. 

Ms.Jess

Bummed

Well I got my clothes out of the dryer this morning and my pants dont fit as loose as I thought. My shirts are still kinda loose but in still bummed out. Also the scale says I've gained weight (which is literally impossible) I'm going to get the kids off to school then weigh myself again. That usually produces a lower number. Ok I'm out! 

Ms.Jess

Ok...Awkward.

So I just realized I made two posts titled non-scale victories both in a row. My bad! They are different topics (I think lol) but still oops!

Ms.Jess

Wishful Wednesday

Ok. I freaking LOVE this dress. 

I think I would prefer the tank be normal length and the wedges not quite as high but other then that I love this outfit! 

Ms.Jess

I'm Back

Ok so as you know things have been hectic. I'm not going to go into detail but my nerves are shot and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight as of the moment. But,

Onto better things. I'm now down 40.9 pounds and I am very proud of that. My clothes have started to sag a little and I'm not so happy about that because they do not fit comfortably anymore. I'm kind of in between sizes I think so my size doesn't fit and for sure the next one down won't. I do know how to sew though so if it becomes too much of an issue I'll take stuff in. My projected date of goal completion (250Lbs) is March 24th which I am happy about. If I try really hard I could get in another 2-5 pounds before April. I continue to bike every day at least 4 miles and have purchased a Fitbit (which I'm not sure if I mentioned or not) so far I love it and it is really helping me in my journey. The only issue I really have is that when you click on the food tab it loads really slow and sometimes, rarely, but sometimes crashes. 

I am about to post my Wishful Wednesday photo but I have to go find something since my photos were deleted by the cloud. Bum bum baaaaa! (Robots take over). Anyway. TTYL

Ms.Jess

Going Through Some Stuff

So yesterday the poop really hit the fan in a way no one could have even fathomed (not my weight related). I may not write today or tomorrow while it all gets sorted out and my nerves calm a little more. I apologize for my impending absence but I really can't focus on anything but the situation at hand. Thank you for understanding. 

Ms.Jess

Non Scale Victories

So yesterday I tried on a coat I bought in the winter of 2013 I think. When I bought it, it fit but the arms were kind of snug. This last winter I went to try it on as the weather got nasty and found that it didn't fit :( I was sad, very sad. Well I tried it on in December, 2 1/2 months after starting my weight loss journey. It fit but was snug in the arms again, but it fit! Well just the other day I tried it on again for kicks and giggles and it fit amazing! It wasn't super tight on my arms and the stomach area had extra room! After that I started to actually pay attention to my clothes and the way they fit, realizing they are getting loose! And then today someone actually noticed I was loosing weight!! All this stuff was the best motivator I could have ever gotten! Stay strong! Lee motivated!

Ms.Jess

Non-scale Victories

I was reading this post on the MyFitnessPal app (specifically the communities area of the all) and this woman started a thread encouraging the MFP community to post their non-scale victories. My non scale victories came to me today when my husband and I took our two year old to the zoo for the first time. I found that it was much easier for me to walk all day and for long distances then it was before, I also noticed that my clothes fit just slightly looser when I put them on fresh out of the dryer (specifically my shirts). I still don't see any physical changes which can be discouraging but I must push on or I will NEVER see the changes. I had a before photo taken from when I was 290 something pounds but when I got a new phone it was lost somewhere. I am very upset as I read another post somewhere about a woman who couldn't see the changes in the mirror but saw them in photos. I took new photos and wanted to compare them but then could not find the photo. I will have to use these new photos as my befores now. It's alright but still a little disappointing. 

I have made a new goal for myself which is at least 10 pounds down each month until June. June my mom and dad are taking me and my husband and our two year old to Lake Chelan and I want to be able to go swimming with my daughter for the first time. I am ultimately hoping for a greater loss as I did loose 20 pounds in one month before. I am not expecting a huge drop in weight but I really do not want to sit on the sidelines anymore. Ok I'm off to bed! 

Ms.Jess

Wishful....Thursday??

Ok. So I thought it was Wednesday! It's actually Thursday for me and I feel like an idiot! I was going to post this yesterday but then said no! It's Tuesday wait until tomorrow! Haha. Oh well. I'm always a day or so late on this anyway. This is my wishful Wednesday photo. I saw this dress and coat when my husband and I were at the mall earlier this week and I wanted them so bad.

I'm thinking about getting them anyway before they sell out and using them as motivation. They are part of the Cinderella line since that new Cinderella movie is coming out (which I want to see by the way). I need to talk him into the $65 dollar price tag on the coat though hehe. Ok wish me luck! 

P.S: I just noticed the photos are kind of blurry. I can't seem to fix it. Sorry! Hopefully you can still see them. 

Ms.Jess

I've Started Exercising!

It's crazy. I know haha! BUT I'm actually enjoying it. My husband bought me a bike about a week ago and I've gone on an at least 30 minute bike ride every day. I used to give myself all sorts of excuses why I couldn't exercise, like I'm too big right now it will be too hard or it will be so stressful and the diet is stressful enough. So on and so forth. But I really love the bike riding! I bought a trailer for hauling the little kids an my 13 year old got my old bike (bought a new one for me cause the trailer wouldn't attach to the old bike) so now I am really getting into biking! I read a few articles on how good it is for you and I actually am already noticing a difference. My calves used to be super beefy when I was younger because I was on the swim team, well in recent years that muscle has turned to flab and now when I flex I have that muscle definition line going down my calf and I can feel the muscle! 

The other thing I've done for exercise is blast some music in the basement and just go down there and dance, jump around and just look like an idiot haha. I have some 5 lb weights I do some arm exercises with as well. That one is a little harder for me because it's more high impact then biking and I'm struggling on working my arms equally (need to get rid of my bat wings!) I'm thinking about taking some progress photos now that I'm 35 pounds down and see if I can see any difference in photos since I don't just looking in the mirror. I've got one more post for you guys today then I need, need, NEED. To get the house cleaned! Haha. 

Ms.Jess

Look at my Failure

I made a new goal at the beginning of February to loose 10 pounds a month until June. I lost 6 pounds in February and so far have gained 2 in March. Not a good start to needing 14 pounds lost in March. Help. 

...

I'm not sure if anyone is checking back here anymore but I thought while I had a minute I would post something, anything to let you know I am still alive. Things have been rough. I fell completely off the wagon for about a month and a little less then a month ago I started back up and lost the few pounds I had gained back. I am at a stalemate right now and am feeling particularly hopeless about the future. 

-is it always going to be this hard?

-will I be fighting this hard forever?

-will it ever get easier?

I don't know what to do. On one hand I need this lifestyle change but on the other I don't know how successful I am going to be if it is this hard for the rest of my life. I just wish I could have a do over and start my life out differently. Signing out. 

Ms.Jess

Time To Be Honest....

Ok all, this is going to get a little heavy but I must let it out..it is time that I was completely honest. I fell of the wagon entirely, fully....wagon is miles away now...I've failed myself. I feel like I am hanging off a cliff and the rope that I'm holding on to is frayed and literally on its last thread. I feel like I've been struggling to pull myself up to safety but my fat keeps weighing me down. I've been suspended here for days and at this point it will just be easier to let go and crash to the bottom then to keep trying to pull myself up. All my life I've struggled with depression and as much as I want to deny that my weight has anything to do with it I just can't any longer. My excessive weight is the sun of my depression galaxy and there's really nothing I can do to get my world to stop revolving around it. I was doing really well this time around as far as my diet goes until Christmas, and my mother. I love her very much but she is the most intolerant and ignorant person I know. She doesn't do it on purpose but it's just how she is. Usually I shrug her rude comments off into my mental file cabinet of things to cause breakdowns at later dates but this one really rocked my world and not in a good way. The topic of babies came up and this is how the dialogue followed.

Me: yeah I decided I don't want anymore kids 

Her: well you're still young you might change your mind

Me: no probably not, the one I have is such a handful by herself, plus I just didn't really enjoy being pregnant 

Her: oh well, if you were smaller you might enjoy being pregnant 

Me: *awkward pause as I try not to burst into tears in front of my whole family as well as come up with something neutral to say*

Me: I don't think so....it wasn't weight related the reason I didn't like being pregnant. I just did not.

At this point I am not sure exactly what was said as I kind of shut down and shut up. My mom is infamous for saying stuff like this though. When I was pregnant (which had NO complications whatsoever) she would make comments such as 'I would think that gestational diabetes would be more common in larger people like you, have you discussed that with your doctor?' and 'I don't know if (something completely unrelated to weight) will be more difficult because you are bigger'....the list goes on. That above convo is what really derailed the train though and as much as I hate to admit it I am still reeling...I haven't recovered and I've taken more then a few steps back. Sorry for the downer post and for being so absent I'm just struggling right now so stick with me. Thank you. Logging out.

Ms.Jess