Time To Be Honest....

Ok all, this is going to get a little heavy but I must let it out..it is time that I was completely honest. I fell of the wagon entirely, fully....wagon is miles away now...I've failed myself. I feel like I am hanging off a cliff and the rope that I'm holding on to is frayed and literally on its last thread. I feel like I've been struggling to pull myself up to safety but my fat keeps weighing me down. I've been suspended here for days and at this point it will just be easier to let go and crash to the bottom then to keep trying to pull myself up. All my life I've struggled with depression and as much as I want to deny that my weight has anything to do with it I just can't any longer. My excessive weight is the sun of my depression galaxy and there's really nothing I can do to get my world to stop revolving around it. I was doing really well this time around as far as my diet goes until Christmas, and my mother. I love her very much but she is the most intolerant and ignorant person I know. She doesn't do it on purpose but it's just how she is. Usually I shrug her rude comments off into my mental file cabinet of things to cause breakdowns at later dates but this one really rocked my world and not in a good way. The topic of babies came up and this is how the dialogue followed.

Me: yeah I decided I don't want anymore kids 

Her: well you're still young you might change your mind

Me: no probably not, the one I have is such a handful by herself, plus I just didn't really enjoy being pregnant 

Her: oh well, if you were smaller you might enjoy being pregnant 

Me: *awkward pause as I try not to burst into tears in front of my whole family as well as come up with something neutral to say*

Me: I don't think so....it wasn't weight related the reason I didn't like being pregnant. I just did not.

At this point I am not sure exactly what was said as I kind of shut down and shut up. My mom is infamous for saying stuff like this though. When I was pregnant (which had NO complications whatsoever) she would make comments such as 'I would think that gestational diabetes would be more common in larger people like you, have you discussed that with your doctor?' and 'I don't know if (something completely unrelated to weight) will be more difficult because you are bigger'....the list goes on. That above convo is what really derailed the train though and as much as I hate to admit it I am still reeling...I haven't recovered and I've taken more then a few steps back. Sorry for the downer post and for being so absent I'm just struggling right now so stick with me. Thank you. Logging out.

Ms.Jess 

Crock Pot Mac & Cheese

Ok so for the much waited for (maybe) slow cooker mac & cheese recipe. I LOVE this recipe and I hope you will try it and love it too! Ok so here it is...

Crock Pot Mac & Cheese
-16oz bag of elbow noodles
-3 cups of shredded cheddar cheese
-1 can (12oz) of evaporated milk
-8 oz cream cheese
-4 cups milk

You throw this all into the crock and cook it for about 2 hours on low. The original recipe I found said 3 hours but the second time I cooked this (for 3 hours) It cooked too long and was kinda icky. I don't suggest leaving the house while cooking this like I did the second time. WATCH IT as it can over cook really easy. It is very rich and I could only eat a small amount at a time. For anyone wondering this particular recipe is 240 calories per cup so its not too bad and I found that was about how much I could eat at one time. I really hope you try it and maybe let me know what you think of it!

What I Got For Christmas!

Ok, I officially got the coolest present EVER! I am so beyond thrilled about it that I think that everyone in the world...well almost....needs to go out and buy one of these....Im sure you see the photo already but I got aaaaaaa........*drum roll*
COMPOUND BOW!!!

The Beautiful Beast!

 

Ok, so never before in my life had I thought I would want to do something like go hunting but now I cant wait! The power behind this bow is incredible! (it shoots at 310ft per second!) I am still learning but do rather well for only having shot the thing maybe 7 times. I will post two more photos of my actual shots!

First aimed shot ever!

 

 

This was the first shot I took while aiming! I shot it once at the sporting goods store so they could set the bow up for me, but they did not tell me how to aim or anything. For this being my first time though I am beyond proud!

 

First time getting all in bullseye!

 

 



This was the first time I shot in my back yard (previous photo at archery range) I hit all 5 of my arrows in the red! I cheered so loud I think my neighbors got worried haha. Well I could go on all day about this bow but I should probably stop now! haha. Logging out!

 

Ms.Jess

Worst Blogger Ever!!

Ok, So I willingly accept the title of the worst blogger ever and I apologize. Christmas season is always busy and I've had some serious electronic failures as of late but I should be back for good! For an update on my weight loss I have kind of slipped. Not too bad but it has been I think 3 or 4 days since I logged (Christmas is the first day I didn't I think). I have lost a total of 30 pounds and have fluctuated a pound or two from there but not enough to bother me too bad. I owe you all a few entries don't I! I will make a few over the course of this evening. I know I need to post that macaroni and cheese recipe still and I WILL...because it is totally bomb. I will also talk about my Christmas and what I got! Ok, on to composing my next post! Logging out!

Ms.Jess

Sorry Guys!

Sorry guys. I have been feeling really down in the dumps lately. I will post something tomorrow I promise. I have a very yummy recipe to share with you all! Logging out

Ms.Jess

Unhealthy Salad!?!?

Salads...not always the best option! I know I've always thought that salads were always hands down the option to choose over anything else. A little while back I was at ihop and was going to choose a salad because I thought it would be the best option but it wasn't. These salads were over 1000 calories and some of them were over 1550! That's my daily alloted calories! I was shocked, some of them had stuff like crispy chicken in them which would definitely up the calories but some of them did not have much aside from lettuce and it was shocking! I always look at the calories before I buy or eat anything and it is paying off! Ok logging out!

Ms.Jess

Finally Back!

It has been a while...I'm not exactly sure how many days since I last posted but it's been a few. I was having some issues with my laptop and my iPad was out for repairs...(which it was NOT fixed). My phone is just too small and complicated to write more then a small text on so I held off until things were fixed. Well I have a large victory to report from my absence. I am down to 274.2, for a total loss of 25.8 pounds. I don't know if I will be down 40 by Christmas but I think I will be close. I also want to just talk about how my mentality has changed regarding food. I still have cravings, I still eat some sweets here and there and look longingly at junk food. I however do not eat fast food anymore which is a huge deal considering that was my biggest vice. I still go out but I always have the nutrition facts up on my phone and pick the best option for myself. I am slowly starting to see teeny changes in my body. My face is a little bit thinner and my pants and shirts fit a little bit better. I plan on posting some photos soonish, I want to lose a little more first. Ok folks! Going to prep my next entry! Logging out!

Ms.Jess