Time To Be Honest....

Ok all, this is going to get a little heavy but I must let it out..it is time that I was completely honest. I fell of the wagon entirely, fully....wagon is miles away now...I've failed myself. I feel like I am hanging off a cliff and the rope that I'm holding on to is frayed and literally on its last thread. I feel like I've been struggling to pull myself up to safety but my fat keeps weighing me down. I've been suspended here for days and at this point it will just be easier to let go and crash to the bottom then to keep trying to pull myself up. All my life I've struggled with depression and as much as I want to deny that my weight has anything to do with it I just can't any longer. My excessive weight is the sun of my depression galaxy and there's really nothing I can do to get my world to stop revolving around it. I was doing really well this time around as far as my diet goes until Christmas, and my mother. I love her very much but she is the most intolerant and ignorant person I know. She doesn't do it on purpose but it's just how she is. Usually I shrug her rude comments off into my mental file cabinet of things to cause breakdowns at later dates but this one really rocked my world and not in a good way. The topic of babies came up and this is how the dialogue followed.

Me: yeah I decided I don't want anymore kids 

Her: well you're still young you might change your mind

Me: no probably not, the one I have is such a handful by herself, plus I just didn't really enjoy being pregnant 

Her: oh well, if you were smaller you might enjoy being pregnant 

Me: *awkward pause as I try not to burst into tears in front of my whole family as well as come up with something neutral to say*

Me: I don't think so....it wasn't weight related the reason I didn't like being pregnant. I just did not.

At this point I am not sure exactly what was said as I kind of shut down and shut up. My mom is infamous for saying stuff like this though. When I was pregnant (which had NO complications whatsoever) she would make comments such as 'I would think that gestational diabetes would be more common in larger people like you, have you discussed that with your doctor?' and 'I don't know if (something completely unrelated to weight) will be more difficult because you are bigger'....the list goes on. That above convo is what really derailed the train though and as much as I hate to admit it I am still reeling...I haven't recovered and I've taken more then a few steps back. Sorry for the downer post and for being so absent I'm just struggling right now so stick with me. Thank you. Logging out.

Ms.Jess